Defenseload

My One Track Mind Thinks About Kittens

The other day I received my Fun Factory Semi-Realistic toy from the lovely people at Jo Divine , so I could get to work on my review.

I sat on the tube, hugging my cardboard box on my knees and trying to wipe the tiny smile from my face. Nobody, I knew, would be shocked or would even care what the innocuous-looking box contained, so it didn’t warrant even the smallest of scandalized eyebrow raises from me.

Once home I surveyed my gift. I felt that perhaps whipping out a notebook or small Dictaphone might make the whole process of reviewing a little too scientific, so I contented myself with inclining my head and placing my hands on my hips in a contemplative manner.

Good packaging, I thought. Very good. Discreet and secure, the nonchalant-looking Royal Mail return address sticker the only visible indication of origin. Even the address on that was a wholesome one, nothing at all to nudge an unsuspecting passer-by towards the truth of what lay inside.

I sliced open the masking tape, removed the plastic covering and held up my new friend.

‘Red’ and ‘rubbery’ were the first words that clambered unimaginatively into my brain. I inspected it a bit to work out where the batteries (which were, as promised, included) went before reluctantly consulting the instructions.

I then spent a while trying to detach the twisty end from the rest of it. This was trickier than I had hoped, and resulted in me flinging my toy across the room then sniggering to myself as I rummaged amongst clothes stacked up on my sofa, searching desperately for a lost phallus nestling therein. Finally I succeeded and slid the batteries in. I twisted the end tentatively and watched as it began to vibrate and quiver in my hand.

(I feel it is necessary to point out at this juncture that I am not a complete novice with these sorts of affairs. I have previously owned one white vibrator that looked worryingly like a hand held electric whisk (thankfully without the actual whisk bit on the end), one Rampant Rabbit (purchased at an Ann Summers party) and one rubber duck that buzzed when you pressed a button on its back. (It was a gift.) However, whilst I am not lacking totally in experience, nor do I own a three-tiered dungeon filled to bursting with things that buzz, clack, whizz and whirr, and that look as though they might, if all plugged in at once, cause streetlights to dim all across the Lambeth area. I would probably be in the Intermediate Beginner classes, were such classes to exist. (I am quite relieved that they do not.))

Also included in my box was a large tube of lubricant.

After placing both items thoughtfully on my bed, I decided to set the mood a bit. This involved closing the curtains so that the people on the top decks of the buses that continuously trundle by could not see my research, turning main light off and sipping some wine that someone (me) had helpfully poured.

I also removed my clothes.

At this point I would like you to stop thinking about the fact that I have just written the words “I removed my clothes” on the Internet, and have a look at some kittens in cups. Kittens in cups! Some adorable kittens placed amusingly in some (now adorable by association) cups.




While you have been smiling tenderly and having your hearts warmed to a point of near combustion, gentle reader, I have been conducting my research. Do you see how I distracted you while I leapt onto the bed, whizzbuzzed and then buzzwhizzed and generally had a wonderful time? Kittens in cups: a grossly underused literary distraction technique.

It was good. I had a simply lovely time.

I enjoyed the different levels of buzziness. The twister dial on the end is great because it allows a very subtle change in the strength of the vibrations, going from a gentle hum to a much more intense buzz. It is easy to use, and has a good range of power.

It is, however, a quiet toy. My housemates were not in, but I am fairly certain that there is no chance that it can be heard through the walls. (Although we do live in Brixton so it is tricky to hear anything over the knife-crime and general discontent that flows along the streets outside our front door.)

I was unsure about it, though, because I wasn’t hugely sure quite what I was supposed to do with it. This might sound a bit silly, but I just felt that it wasn’t very self-explanatory. I know, it is shaped like a, well, you know (kittens in cups!) but it vibrates, so are you meant to stick it, you know (kittens!) or put it on, well, you know (in cups!), or what? I suppose a combination, but for me that wasn’t so great.

Ridges, though, are very, very good things.

So, all in all, I like it. It hasn’t changed my life, because although it is good I don’t feel that it quite covered all the bases (is… is that the first pun of this whole post? Is the phrase “whole post” the second?). I like the look of it, as it is more subtle and less disconcertingly LOOK AT ME than say, the Rabbit, but the rubbery flexibility of it worried me a bit.

I had a great time with it, though. Thank you to the people at Jo Divine and the Fun Factory for sending me my toy. It was, and will remain to be, a great pleasure.

Finally: You too can have the pleasure of receiving naughty things through the post! If you make any purchase from Jo Divine over £30 before the 31st July you can have a 10% discount! Wow, that’s almost as good as kittens in cups. The offer code is LEONIEJULY.

Available link for download

More Arguing About Women In Video Games But This Time the Women Can Beat You Up

Frankly, I want my avatar to look more like this ...

The argument about how women should be portrayed in video games rages inexplicably on. Speaking as someone who writes these things for money, not systematically alienating half the human population and almost half of actual gamers is just good business.

Happily, progress is being made. There have been quite a few games out this year, indie and AAA, that prominently feature interesting women as main characters and supporting cast. (e.g. Gone Home. Last of Us. Tomb Raider. Bioshock: Infinite, sorta.)

Were getting there. Fossilized designs like Grand Theft Auto V are increasingly out of place. But angry young men on forums make it seem like theres an actual controversy, so on we go.

Its all kind of a waste, because, as far as Im concerned, the interview that should settle the argument decisively came out in September, and it didnt get nearly as much attention as it should have.

Its an interview with two female soldiers, one who served in Afghanistan and one who served in Iraq, about how women are portrayed in gunshooters.

Its full of great quotes, but heres a nice one, talking about Call of Duty (which only finally put in playable female soldiers in the newest title) ...

Its because you have men who are designing these games in the first place. Put me, or any of the women who have served in charge of a shooter that includes women as the main protagonists. You can bet that youll get a character who is far more concerned about her kill streak than she is her makeup or how she looks. And you can believe she wouldnt be running around in a bikini either. Save that for Dead or Alive where the women dont do any real combat, and flounce around with their tits bouncing like they are in a rodeo.

I think that this should be the beginning of the end of the conversation. Heres why.

... than this.

Soldiers and Video Games, The Basics

Bear in mind here that video games are insanely popular among soldiers overseas, as they provide a reliable distraction during the inevitable seemingly infinite hours of boredom and inactivity.

I have received so many e-mails from soldiers who wanted to get my games up and running before they leave on a long deployment. Of course, I find it impossible to reject requests like that.

The Last Stand of Principle

Of course, in our society, pretty much any moral principle can instantly be abandoned if the money is right. In the video game industry, its gotten to the point where anyone’s appeal to basic ethics is generally treated with open mockery. (How many huge games in the last year or two shipped in a basically non-functional state?)

There is one principle, however, that is almost never questioned by the sane: The people who chose to sacrifice years of their lives (and perhaps their entire life) to defend their countries deserve respect.

The people willing to die for us should be honored for that. Must it be said that this is still true when they are women?

From the upcoming game, Warface. This is a PR image. Everything about it was carefully planned. What does it want to say, and what does it want to teach? (Answer below.)

So Here Is The Absolute Minimum That Is Required

One. If its a game about soldiers, female avatars should be available whenever possible. With a AAA budget, there is NO excuse to not have this in the multiplayer. You can afford it.

Two. Women soldiers should look like soldiers. When someone goes overseas and gives up years of her life in public service, she should not see that her culture regards woman warriors as a bunch of mindless sex dolls.

I mean, right?

And lets be clear. I know game devs. Ive been around them for decades. They are mostly doughy, deskbound guys who never came within a thousand miles of serving in the military. That these guys are insulting the women doing the tough job so few of them signed up for is truly galling.

Answer: Thank you for your service.

And It Matters

Culture matters. I mean theres not a question, right? The images we surround ourselves with affect us. Why are such massive fortunes spent on advertising? You think they dont affect people? Corporations like wasting money?

(And dont kid yourself. There is a wealth of research that says that ads do affect you, even when you dont realize it.)

We absorb the media around us, and it shapes us. Nobody plays these games more than kids, and kids learn.

So ask yourself the question. What do you want young people to learn? Not what it is easiest or most profitable to teach them. Ask what we want. What is best for the country. What is just. What is right.

Im no white knight. The women in the interview dont need my help or my pity. They do, however, deserve respect. Depicting soldiers as soldiers, man or woman, seems like a tiny, reasonable way to start.

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As always, were still on Facebook and Twitter.

Available link for download

Myths about College Degrees and the Job Economy

John Cassidy’s New Yorker article “The College Calculus: What’s the real value of a collegeeducation” does a good job at revealing many of the popular myths currently circulating around the country concerning college degrees, jobs, and inequality. Drawing from Claudia Goldin and Lawrence Katz 2008 book The Race Between Education and Technology, he examines the logic behind the idea that we are failing to produce enough high-skilled workers with college degrees to keep up with technological progress.  As Goldin and Katz have argued: “Not so long ago, the American economy grew rapidly and wages grew in tandem, with education playing a large, positive role in both. The challenge now is to revitalize education-based mobility.” The problem with this theory linking education to technology and social mobility is that it is false and misleading.

Available link for download